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Ner News - v.5Date: May 1, 2007NER NEWS “All the news you really need to know” Parshat –Acharei-Mos Issue 6 Ner Jake Welcomes Rabbi Chananya Silverman and Family. Rabbi K 4 MVP As I walk into Kraft (Family) Stadium on an especially hot day, I notice beads of sweat all over me. Apparently I wasn’t the only one trying to adapt to this wonderful, yet slightly uncomfortable climate. The forecast may seem exaggerated, but the fact of the matter is, it was hot; as opposed to the blistering cold we experienced this extended winter. We’ve all been looking forward to this kind of weather, to be outside in shorts and t-shirts ever since mid- October when the temperature dipped. Those of us here since early Sept. took the hot weather for granted, at times praying for it to cool down. However, after seeing the students and Rabbi’s together in Kraft Stadium, it was obvious that the weather was much appreciated. So we’ve waited long enough and albeit it is more then a month since spring officially started, today we finally felt it. In celebration of spring, what could be more appropriate that an intense game of baseball? The answer is: an intense game of baseball consisting of Shana Alefer’s vs. “upperclassmen” and Rabbi’s, with a dank BBQ running by none other than Rebbitzin Liff at the same time! That was by far the best meal we can honestly say that was supplied by Ner Jake all year. Now the highlights of this event. First and foremost was Rabbi K who surely takes MVP because he got on base every at bat and usually ended up home as well; collecting a majority of his team’s runs. (shh, we won’t tell anyone that Yoel was his designated runner-he happens to be the fastest in the Ner Jake League). Next, was J-Lip’s diving catch between second and third base, proving he is a beast in the field. Next, we can never forget Gavi Daitchman’s solid shot to deep, make that, way deep left field, almost sending the families congregating there to the hospitals. Last but no least, my personal favorite was Rabbi Ginian’s water balloon slingshot, which hit me in the back from the other side of the field! The real highlight was looking around seeing all the smiling faces of everyone having a great time together. I realized that it was no coincidence that Ner Jake chose Kraft (Family) Stadium, although the family addition to the title seemed awkward. They chose it because It was the only appropriate place where we could all see how close we have become, and how many relationships we have built. While walking out of Kraft Sadium, it hit me that we have grown into one big family this year. This event proved it. I am confident all of you feel the same. I think I speak for everyone when I say how grateful we are for everyone’s effort put into “yom haatzmut”, Ner Jake style. Thank You. -Ben Sussman BATTLE of the BANDS – 1st PLACE! So maybe it was a while ago, but we really have not had a chance to gloat in our glory. For those of you who missed this momentous event, a quick recap. Out of the 13 bands that performed that wonderful Motzei Shabbos, we clearly dominated all the competition and therefore took home first place for the first time in yeshiva history (the last time we won was 3rd place with a cast of Uri Saftlas, Bentzi Tanenbaum, and Avi Aronson). However, what you guys don’t know was that part of the judging was on the crowd during the song. Thank you guys for not only coming to cheer us on, but for rocking the place with the most insane mosh pit we have ever seen. No only that, Kedma has just informed us that over $5,000 was raised for victims of terror from Battle of the Bands. So not only did you guys help rock the faces off all of the other yeshivas, you contributed to an amazing mitzvah as well. Rock on! -Aryeh, Doug, Yitz, and Captain Insights: By Rabbi Norman If yeshiva is just for education, then sit back and gain knowledge. But since yeshiva is for growth, then work it in your hearts. The Ner Yaakov Kitchen By: Rebbitzin Ginian A day in the Ner Yaakov kitchen it quite a sight to see, The walls are polished clean and the floor is shiny as can be The dishes are spic and span and the fridge never leaks The floor is so clean, when you walk on it, you hear squeaks Breakfast is lavish w/ Danishes and fresh juice With all the luscious options it’s so hard to choose Bagels omelets and hash browns to quench your appetite Grab the food quickly before it’s out of sight Lunch is the most delicious meal of all Come and hear the choices- you’ll have a ball Meatballs w/ rice, ribs and lamb chops Gourmet stuffed chicken w/ gravy to top Unlimited salads and french fries to spare Just when you thought your meal was coming to a close Take a whiff of that dessert under your nose Hot chocolate cake w/ ice cream and strawberries on the side Cream mousse w/ whip cream, truffle, and brownie bars There will be no pushing on line, complaining or asking for more Cutting the line, shoving, and name-calling will end Lunch will be pleasant- all will be friends You can dream just as I can too For now our cheese and tuna will just have to do!!!!!!! Useless Facts 1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers. 2. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I 3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. 4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles. 6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather. 7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day. 8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas. 9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air. 10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night. 11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. 14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. 15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. 16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year. 18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan. 19. Every person has a unique tongue print. 20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does. 21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's. 22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. 23. Bubble gum contains rubber 24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog. 25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star. 26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello. 27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. 28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F. 29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people. 30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head. 31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills. 32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. 33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. 34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas. 35. Some toothpaste contains antifreeze. 36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. 37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991. 38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific. 39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. 40. Most lipstick contains fish scales. 41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992. 42. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray. 43. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. 44. The three best-known western names in China: Yushka Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley. 45. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food. 46. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music. 47. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." 48. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. 50. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark (hence, the light bulb). LETS GO RANGERS (ELI DOLLMAN) ESPN BY: JOEL EZOORY Eastern is still pretty boring!!! So I’ll focus mainly on the West. Anyways, here are my predictions for Round 1-Finals Breaking down the decisive factors is easy. Dirk is hungry. Dallas in 6. My upset special is: the Answer & Melo (wow! Did u ever think about that 1-2 punch) Denver in 6. Barbosa will be the breakout star of the playoffs. Phoenix in 7 * While watching Kobe at his best is something beautiful it’s sad. If only he had someone to pass it to, I would give him some pity. The thing about Kobe is, when he drives and spins into defenders, he is forced to dish to.... (worst pick of all time) Kwame. Ouch! By the way, Zen is an overrated coach; 5 of 6 of those rings belong to MJ and Pipp no doubt. AK47 will push it to 7 coming out of a slump but McGrady is hot and well coached. Houston will finally advance for once. Houston in 7. Skip a few rounds, I have to go with Dallas over Denver. Yes Denver, not the heavy favorite Spurs. Looking over to the East I see C-Webb leading Detroit to round 2 against a roaring and dangerous Daddy-Shaq. Miami can’t be picked against and they will beat Detroit in a classic, "Yo hit this up on classic" 7 game series, taking Miami to the Eastern Conference Finals. Miami in 7. Miami will lock it up earning them another trip to the finals after an intense Eastern Conference Finals showdown of Wade vs. Lebron. Wade obviously coming out on top. Heat in 6. It all comes to down to the hungriest and Dallas will get back at Miami for a controversy filled series last year. Dallas in 7. That sums it up for me and I will leave you guys with a question how far would the Chomp, Gator bait, back to back champions, exciting Gators be in this years Eastern Conference playoffs? Come to me with your opinion. See Ya'll. Btw Ner Jake Softball is gonna keep winning as the ss-lf? gets out of his slump. The Chumus Problem: By: Rabbi Sondholm I was very reluctant to write this article, for fear that the administration would terminate my employment in Ner Yaakov. My tenure doesn’t kick in until the end of this year. However, Duvie Merkin just notified me that, “We’re already down two rebbeim, and they’re not gonna let you go Rabbi.” So here it goes: I always wondered, because when we only have our family for Shabbos, the most we go through is a quarter tub of chummus. However, when the Ner Jake guys come for Shabbos we always finish a 2 kilo tub of chummus. That’s almost 5 pounds of chummus! For years I’ve been agonizing for the answer to this vexing problem. What is about chummus and the Ner Jake talmidim, that makes them pound chummus like mad. This week in Monday’s Ha’aretz, I found the answer to this question. Scientists discovered that Chummus contains a certain chemical that makes the brain feel good. So, along with weed, pharmys, alcohol, and mirinda we have a new substance that needs controlling. Namely, chummus. The yeshiva has immediately instituted the following rules: 1. Absolutely no chummus is to be found anywhere in the dorm. 2. Any Ner Yaakov talmud who goes to Uzi’s and he asks you, “Ato rotzeh chummus?” The answer better be no. 3. Any rebbe who has bachorim over for Shabbos, can only serve chummus in small quantities and only after the fish. 4. Anyone found blazing chummus will be immediately suspended from the Yeshiva without warning. 5. There will be random chummus testing in R. Liff’s office. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. I’m very sorry that I have to be the one to bear this message to the public, but as a journalist, I feel it is my journalistic duty to report the news as I hear it. Remember kids, drugs kill and chummus annihilates. This has been a public service announcement from the Duvie Merkan fan club. How do you like them Wizards? Words from the Editor I am lying in my bed at 11:38 Pm on Wednesday night writing this article. The main reason being that I don’t have this week’s episodes of 24 or House in my possession. The summer zman has just begun and lets take a look at what’s been going on so far. I can tell you that there are more Shana Alef guys at davening then Shana Bet (obviously I attend every minyan) or maybe the reason is just that NO shana bet guys returned. We had a super Shabbas w/ Rabbi Sondhelm. I am not going to write anything negative because I’m going to his house for Shabbas and I honestly want to be fed and sleep comfortably. We experience Independence Day in Israel, and Ner Jake as religious as we are decided to forgo the usual minhag of Laining and Mussaf and instead play baseball. However there was one person who came out to show support towards our country. That person was Rabbi Norman. You see my friend Rabbi Norman was wearing a TZAHAL hat in recognition for all those who fought to make this country a success. Not many people know that Yosef Cohen and I took on the Chasidim this week during their riot against Independence Day. Yosef and I ran down to Kikar Shabbas with our camera in hand to find out what really is bothering this chasidim. Now try to visualize this, 30 Chasidim and one chasid is speaking to everyone and I come up to video them. One of the protesters see Yosef and I, and we start getting into a heated debate with him. Before I can state my point I found myself taking on the whole Chevra Kadisha. Bottom line we weren’t going to meet eye to eye. However, we did meet a chillin Satmer chasid. The best part was when we told them that we go to the yeshiva across from Brisk... This Shabbas features Chananya Silverman and family. You do not want to miss this event because he has the power of PUNCH. I believe Ner Jake should join in Brisk’s chavrusah dating for the following 5 reasons: 6. Ner Yaakov will get the respect we finally deserve- what makes us any different then Brisk. We can learn as many hours as they do, it’s not so tough. Especially if you take in a count all the smoking breaks, we will be alright 7. IMPORVEMENT OF OUR REPUTATION- We are not a crack head Yeshiva. 8. We can real say that our real building is next door, not this dump 9. It will break the long time barrier between our Yeshiva’s. 10. We will come to terms with them to turn of those stupid lights on the top of there building when its the middle night. Also screaming during davening has got to go. It’s waking up us people who are trying to sleep after a long night. Anyway I think I'm going to conclude this article by leaving you with the following thought. Hit the bais time is running out and you never know brisk is only a cross the street. |
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